Famiy Values

I don't know why it's taken us so long to do this. I may be wrong, but I suspect our family dynamics and the overall health of our family might be better had we done something like this long ago.

It's not that our family is falling apart or anything. We're a normal family who have times of joy and love--times we deeply cherish and wonder if we could have it any better. But we also have moments of great tension, anger, unforgiveness, bitterness, and raising voices.

We're a typical human family. Nothing to hide. No one to impress. No image to put up.

I don't know that we'd have less struggle if we'd done things differently. I do suspect we'd have more direction and a general sense of family unity and identity, though. Again, it's not that we don't have these now, but I suspect unity and identity might be clearer and that might play out in how we live, what decisions we make, and such.

I'm talking about developing a "Family Values" statement.


Maybe some of you have one already. I've been in a few friends' houses where something like this is posted on a wall, or on the refrigerator door.

Some of these are short, while others are a bit longer. Some of them consist of a statement, or a passage from Scripture, like Micah 6:8:

Seek justice, love mercy, and walk humbly with your God.

Joshua 1:9 is a popular one, also:

As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.

I'm an advocate of something a bit more detailed. Passages like Micah 6:8 and Joshua 1:9 are great, but there still can be a need for more description and clarity. How will you serve the Lord as a family and household? What will that look like for your family, specifically? What things will you hold dear? 

Importantly, it might also be good for a family to identify what things will define them. I'm not saying that every family needs to fit in an identifiable box. I'm suggesting that it might be good for families to name those things -- the qualities, characteristics, pursuits, or values -- that represent them, and that they want to represent them under the bigger purpose of being a family under the lordship of Jesus who worship with their lives. (For more on this, take a look at the previous series of posts on worship.)

Such a family values statement might go something like this:

The (insert family name) household values:

1. The Good News of God. The announcement that "Jesus is Lord" governs our life.
2. Forgiveness. As Jesus' people, we live our lives as forgiving people. (Matt. 18:21-35)
3. Charity. We are charitable to all people in all circumstances, welcoming the stranger as if welcoming Jesus Christ. (Matthew 25:31-46; Romans 15:7) 
4. Generosity. We extend generosity materially and interpersonally (1 John 3:17; James 2:1-7)
5. Honesty. We live honestly and express ourselves honestly, not concealing true motives, lying, or compromising someone else's name/reputation.
6. Music and reading. Music and reading are valued activities here. It's what we choose to spend time doing. This means going to libraries and bookstores are chosen activities, as well as witnessing live music when able.
7. Travel. We choose to travel and explore as a family, to learn and experience life outside of our comfortable bubble.
8. Art. We value art in many forms, spend free time drawing, painting, etc., and decorate our surroundings with art.
9. Cooking and mealtime. Cooking our own food together is a cherished activity. Eating meals together as a family is a priority at least four nights a week.
10. Outdoor activity. We choose to set aside time for activity. It is a priority that we run, ride bike, rollerblade, or do other such activities daily if possible. We also find time to camp together in times when that's possible.

This is just a simple example, but I wonder if something like this might give definition to a family and household. It might eliminate useless or needless time spent, and bring focus to the time spent as a family. Doing this might open up possibilities for creating memories, and it might actually give more freedom by finding abundance around fewer, but prioritized values and pursuits.

Will this make a family "happier"? I don't know. Might it improve quality of life, identity, cohesion? Maybe. It's worth trying out!

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Some additional points and caveats. 

These are not laws or rules! This is not intended to be some "Ten Commandments" thing. It's supposed to give focus and direction and clarity to the family unit and to family identity. It's an opportunity to ask: What kind of family are we? What kind of family do we really want to be? This can be really exciting!

Get everyone in on the discussion. This is a chance for all people to have input here, for everyone to take ownership, and therefore, for everyone to be accountable to one another.

Incorporate both character/spiritual elements and other things. This is important. This does not need to be some super-spiritual thing. Because God should govern over all aspects of our lives, it is important that being under the lordship of Jesus is the one defining thing. But that does not mean you can't include the things you want to spend your time, interests, and resources on as a family. Probably good to figure out how the time, interests, and resources actually align with living as disciples of Jesus.

This can change. Once you put these things down, you are not stuck with them. In fact, putting these things down might just help clarify what you are really about as a family and what you are not. And it's ok to say you're not this or that. We can't be everything. Find what you are and own it. It might actually help to review these once in a while (every six months or something), to help sort out who you are as a family.

Find an evening in the week or so and schedule family time to develop your own family values/mission. Let everyone know beforehand so each person can be thinking about it. Ask each person to come up with the things that they think should define your family. Ask what interests and pursuits they think your family should really "major in" together. Ask what priorities related to living as people who love and serve Jesus should be central to your family life.

Then set a time where everyone can share how they answered the above things, and work together to write something up that will be your family values/mission that you all will agree to stick with together, until you review and amend it as you grow and evolve as a family.

Report your own ideas or practices in the comments! We can all learn from one another as we grow as families who love and serve Jesus.